The Tiniest Stalker and the Lure of Potato Bugs

We have a stalker. She's 9 years old and she's relentless. For the purposes of this blog, I will call her Betty (the names have been changed to protect the underage deviants). Betty lives two houses down from us and she has been stalking us for roughly 2 years and counting. We have something that she wants, and she can't seem to find it anywhere else. She wants our potato bugs. Here's the story...

So in the summer about two years ago, Betty was in our Sunday School class at church. We had just met her and were slowly getting to know her. A short time later, I decided to hire someone to lay some sod down in our front yard where some shrubbery had previously been. If you've laid sod before, you know it can get a little pricey. After shelling out a good amount of cash, I looked out the window to bask in the glory of our new lawn, when what should I see but Betty outside on our front lawn and she had been busy. She had ripped up the sod and was digging in the dirt like a puppy in search of a bone. Frantic, and seeing my money for the sod trickle down the drain, I ran outside to confront the sod-ruiner.

Me: Betty! What are you doing?

Betty: (no answer, just the dear in the headlights look)

Me: Seriously, what are you doing? I just barely had this sod laid an hour ago.

Betty: (no answer, just the dear in the headlights look)

At this point I notice that Betty has one of those Costco dish detergent buckets with her.

Me: Are you looking for something?

Betty: Yes.

Me: What are you looking for?

Betty: (with a look that said "duh") Potato bugs.

Me: OK, here's the deal. I'm sure you have lots of potato bugs in your yard. I need you to not dig around in my yard, especially in the new sod. The sod is brand new and needs to rest and get used to it's new home. Please don't look for potato bugs in our yard, OK?

Betty: (no answer, just the dear in the headlights look)

Me: OK, thanks Betty.

Betty: (turns and runs home like there are a pack of wolves chasing her, bucket swinging as she goes)

The next day, I looked out the window, and there she was again! Digging in the exact same spot. I ran to the front door to confront her again, and she was gone, disappeared. Yup, she's that good. This little game of cat and mouse continued all year long, but the weird part was, this entire time we were still her Sunday School teachers. So in class, she was totally nice and very communicative with us. But the minute church let out, the game was back on. Our yard has become somewhat of a forbidden fruit for Betty. For some reason, our potato bugs are all the more desirable because she has been told to not to dig for them in our yard.

It's turned into one of the greatest forms of entertainment for me. If I drive up and see her digging in our yard, I totally lay on the horn and honk for as long and as loud as I can. She usually levitates about a foot, then takes off running with a bucket in her hand. (She has since given us the nickname "Honkers" since we always honk when we see her digging in our yard.) We actually asked her several times during Sunday School why she is obsessed with our potato bugs and what she does with all those bugs. Again, with a look that told us we were clearly out of the potato bug loop, she explained that she collects the bugs, keeps them in captivity and forces them to fight one another. Think Gladiator, but with rolly-polly bugs instead of Russell Crowe. John told her, with a straight face, that that was a good idea because potato bugs are known for their extreme aggression. We laughed for hours imagining her trying to force the bugs to fight, then the bugs rolling up in a ball, and then finally her flicking them at each other like marbles.

In the meantime, our little game continues, and we have found that Betty is increasingly stealthy and sneaky in her efforts to get into our yard. At the beginning of this year, we asked our Sunday School class, including Betty, if they had any new year's resolutions they wanted to make for 2008. Betty replied that her goal for the year was to not be seen by us so this took the game up a notch. We noticed this year that as we pulled into our driveway, Betty would be hiding behind or under cars in an effort to keep her new year's resolution.

A couple of weeks ago, we turned onto our street and saw Betty digging in our yard. I reached over from the passenger seat of the car and honked long and loud. Betty jumped a foot in the air and ran across the street to hide behind our neighbor's van. As we got out the car, this is what we saw:

I called across the street, "Hi Betty. We can totally see you." No answer, as her feet remained very still. "Betty," I said again, "I promise we can see you. You can just come out. We can see your feet." Oh how I wish I had a picture of this, but she very slowly raised one foot and stood motionless on one foot, like a flamingo. We went inside and settled into our window seat with a camera because we had a feeling we'd get some good stalker shots. We were not disappointed. These are some of my favorite photos ever and they chronicle her moves as she tries to maneuver out from behind the neighbor's van without us seeing her:


And she was off! She almost made it out without being seen nor heard (you can always tell a Milford man).

A couple of weeks ago, at about 9:45 on a Friday night, there was a knock at our door. I went to get it and there was Betty with this really mischievous look on her face. She's got a note and a plate containing two chocolate chip cookies. "These are for you," she said, before running off into the night. Here's how the note was addressed:

And here's how the inside read (our last name was crossed out and replaced with the word "honkers":

Now if that didn't make my night, I don't know what would. And so, our game continues. Just a couple of days ago, I looked out my window and saw Betty, happily digging for bugs on one of the prettiest spring days we've had in a while.

How long will this game continue? Who knows, probably until Betty outgrows her fascination with potato bugs, so we've got a few years left. One thing you might be wondering is if we ate the cookies. Answer: Of course not. Why? Because potato bugs can look an awful lot like chocolate chips.